How I Saved Or Created 4,730,400,003 Jobs

By

Ron Marr

www troutwrapper.com

I woke up this morning and stretched my aching limbs. You see, I’ve been running the chain saw quite a lot recently, bringing in the wood that will keep me from freezing during what promises to be a cold and wet Ozark winter. I engage in this task not just for myself, and not just for the benefit of Boris, my blind and ancient Alaskan malamute. Hardly . . . I am imbued with a much greater purpose, an overwhelming sense of global obligation.

Despite the pain of stiff muscles, I was filled with a sense of joy. You see, as I do every morning, I quickly punched in a few numbers on my official, wind-powered, Obama-brand, stimulus calculator. I realized that by the act of slicing up trees I had saved or created countless jobs. What’s more, my trusty Husqvarna chain saw – named Dexter – had furthered this process due to his razor-sharp chain and 46cc engine. Such largesse, the boon to humanity that has come with embracing the mathematical equation for survival bestowed upon us by the anointed Obama (may his feet be clad in slippers of armadillo fur) made me smile.

And yet, such was but the beginning of the warm glow of universal joy that permeated my loins. In the words of John Paul Jones, we had not yet begun to save or create jobs.

The estimated height of the average oak I lop is around fifty feet. In very approximate figures, that would put said oak at about thirty years of age. Now, according to the population division of the United Nations, the world experiences 216,000 births every day, or 78,840,000 births per year. This next part gets a little tricky – it was Barbie who once told us, “Math is hard” - but please try and stay with me.

If we follow the philosophy of Obama that all living things share equally in the global community, and that we must care for Mother Earth in the same way we care for the smelly wino who lives in the oleander bushes behind Billy Ray’s Booze, Beer, Bait & Bullet Barn, then each tree in my forest was an active participant in bringing new life into this word. According to the Messiah of 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue (or Kenya . . . I always get those two confused) we are all working to redistribute wealth. This statement – if taken, as it must be, in the context of equitable action and reaction - would seem to infer that the burden of effort and responsibility is also shared equally when any wealth is accumulated.

That said, if we accept that it takes two people to create a child, and that the act of creation could be classified as work (after all, one is supposed to love their work) then in thirty years that single tree has shared in the labor (so to speak) of 2,365,200,000 women.

Thus, when I cut that oak, and it came crashing to the ground with a quite satisfying smack, I was transforming its potential, “saved or created” employment energy into kinetic, “saved or created” employment energy. A job crisis? I think not. My contribution in felling that tree translates to jobs (labor) saved or created to the tune of the aforementioned 2.3 billion women. Since men and women in our present culture are deemed equal in all ways, we must double that figure. We must also add myself, Dexter the chainsaw, and the tree itself.

The resulting number, which I have forwarded to Washington DC for public dissemination, clearly indicates that by buzzing up enough wood to keep me warm for a couple weeks, I alone have saved or created 4,730,400,003 jobs.

Oh, and I cooked some bacon this morning too. I think we can throw in a few thousand jobs saved or created there. Also, by lying down on my bed, constructed by mattress builders, the roller coaster of saved or created jobs continues to spiral. Just a guess here, but merely by sleeping I saved or created at least a few hundred positions of gainful enterprise.

I am more than proud. I am an American in the age of Obama. By doing nothing, or at least next to nothing, I am helping the people of the world and the planet itself. I am the change I’ve been waiting for. Boy . . . that’s a relief. I’m sure GMAC mortgage will take that into account when I’m late with the check this month.

So, now that you know the true meaning of jobs “saved or created” please give the most exalted President Obama (may his name be praised by dung beetles and prairie dogs) a little bit of slack. Those figures that he tosses out with reckless abandon are not simply figments of his supremely glorious imagination (may it continue to thrive and prosper with Mickey, Goofy, Tinkerbelle, and all the other infidels who will suffer the hellfire of eternal damnation). I want you to be a good little worker-bees, and accept the following figures as gospel.

Cherish Obama for creating thirty jobs costing $761,400 in Arizona’s fifteenth congressional district, even though the fifteenth congressional district doesn’t exist. Utter his name in hallowed whispers for spending $34 million dollars on Navajo Housing projects in that same state's incognito eighty-sixth congressional district, which was apparently smokin’ in the boy’s room when congressional districts were doled out. Drop to your knees in gratitude for the fifteen jobs, costing $19 million dollars, in a few more non-existent districts in Oklahoma. Prostrate yourself in appreciation that our Commander in Cheat performed the same gesture in districts yet to be made manifest in Iowa. After all, that last one only cost $10.6 million, and saved or created thirty-nine imaginary jobs.

The lord high Obama forgets no one, particularly recalling all those people and places that aren’t real. Residents who were never born, located in invisible parts of Connecticut, the U.S. Virgin Islands, the Northern Mariana Islands, and Puerto Rico should send up offerings of song, libation, and imitation burnt offerings. In those locales, our feckless leader, and foremost bowing apologist, saved or created jobs by spending the collective sum of $233.1 million dollars.

Somewhere, in a hollow tree, the Keebler elves are baking cookies with renewed vigor and enthusiasm. They are secure that their jobs have been saved or created, can rest easy while relaxing in the company hot tub and enjoying a quick game of hoops in the government-supplied gymnasium.

Unless, of course, it was their tree I cut down.

In which case the entire theory of jobs “saved or created” just went up in smoke.

Globalization . . . Or Is It?

By

Mike Coey

So much talk about globalization these days. The media acts as if this were something new.

Of course many of the media pundits scarcely possess enough collective brain power to blow the nose of a sugar ant . . . even if their collective intelligence power were to be equated with dynamite.

Our vernacular is interlaced with words from numerous languages. Greek, Latin, and so on. So many of the words we use everyday go back to other languages, from so long ago, that people forget whence they came. They take them for granted, thinking the words they use are indeed their own.

Language unites us and divides us, and I would be cautious in proposing any world unity by whatever means. But, a recent discovery online has enriched my vocabulary and brings me a little closer to our former advisary of the cold war. It is ironic that even after the “fall” of communism, and the efforts to make the republics of the old Soviet Union a democracy, Russians would make the American democratic party the butt of a joke. The old adage of “the enemy of my enemy is my friend” takes on a bit of a different hue. Russians are hardly known for their ineptitude, as Mendeleev, Tesla, Tchaikovski, and countless others have made contributions to the betterment of humanity.

Now, an unknown Russian has coined a new word that will, from now on, be used in my vernacular with extreme prejudice.

It is a conglomeration of the word “dermo”, a rather colorful expression for excrement, and the suffix of “-krat” from “democrat.” From now on, certain democrats in this country will be known as “dermocrats.” While this new designation may seem a bit extreme or harsh, it is certainly very fitting. Dermocrats such Pelosi and Obama have desecrated our constitution and laws of the land with so much bovine fecal matter they can’t be lumped into any currently existing camp.

So, we have to create something new. If any of you compatriots out there reading the Trout Wrapper agree, then I implore you to take up the “r” in the common use of the most reviled word of your vocabulary.

Hard to imagine that a little “r” can make such a huge difference. What cracks me up about using it, is that it will go largely unnoticed by most people. Color it our newest weapon of subtlety in the daily battle we wage against unseen tyranny.

Globalization of language can have its benefits, as this little example illustrates. This is one import I’ll gladly be making use of from now on.

But that doesn't mean that I’m trading in my old Dodge for a rice burner anytime soon.

Mike Coey, a friend of Troutwrapper.com, holds the distinction of being the sole resident of Elk City, Idaho with a functional brain

The Fix Is In

It's a sad day for freedom-loving Americans, what with the House passage of the heinous health bill (which is not about health at all, but rather poking into and controlling every detail of your life). Sorry to tell you folks, but the fix seems to be in on this one. I've no doubt it will pass the Senate too. Welcome to the unveiling of Totalitarianism 1.0

Start calling your Senators daily. I don't know if that will help, since they'd don't give a damn what you think, but if they are bombarded daily it just might scare them into thinking they will lose their jobs.

Also, continue to call any Congressmen who voted for this blow against liberty and tell them you will actively campaign AGAINST them in 2010.

Call Your Congressman to Stop Obamacare . . . NOW!

You have the chance to stop a travesty . . . but you must act today! Call your Congressman's office in Washington DC today. Tell them to vote NO on the Obama/Pelosi healthcare bill.

This bill won't lower insurance costs or improve care. What it will do is slash Medicare payments, kill countless jobs, run doctors out of business, send the economy into further decline, and allow the government to control every aspect of your life. The bill is not designed for your benefit. It is designed to give more power and control to the elitist lawmakers in DC. The bill actually specifies a fine of up to $250,000 and five years in jail if you refuse to comply.

Is this America?

There was a reason that Pelosi did not want the public to see this bill, or allow qualified legal analysts to review it before it goes to the House floor for a vote. We have NO idea what kind of riders and pork are included in this 2000 page disaster. They say it costs "only" a trillion dollars over nine years. That figure is based on false accounting and creative bookkeeping. It will likely cost many times that amount.

The vote could well happen today. Call NOW and call often. Forward this to everyone you know.

Ron Marr

www.troutwrapper.com

From The "Lead, Follow, Or Get The Hell Out Of The Way" Department

By

Ron Marr

www.troutwrapper.com

A U.S. Foreign Service officer has resigned from the State Department due to what he views as a lack of strategic purpose in the Afghanistan war. Matthew Hoh, age thirty-six, was the senior U.S. civilian official in the Zabul province, infamous for being a Taliban stronghold.

Hoh, a former Marine captain in Iraq, who has seen combat, has also served in uniform at the Pentagon and as a civilian in Iraq.

"I have lost understanding of and confidence in the strategic purposes of the United States' presence in Afghanistan," he wrote in a four-page letter to the department's head of personnel. "I have doubts and reservations about our current strategy and planned future strategy, but my resignation is based not upon how we are pursuing this war, but why and to what end."

Upon his resignation, Hoh was offered other positions in the State Department, with one offer coming directly from a personal meeting with Richard C. Holbrooke, the Obama’s administration's special representative for Afghanistan and Pakistan. He considered remaining with the service, but decided that doing so would not fit within what he considered “the right thing to do.”

It is largely assumed that the positions were offered in order to prevent Hoh from becoming a highly-placed, civilian critic of the Obama administration’s largely absent Afghanistan policy.

"I'm not some peacenik, pot-smoking hippie who wants everyone to be in love," Hoh said, explaining that his dominant experience is from the Marines, where many of his closest friends still serve.

"There are plenty of dudes who need to be killed," he said, referring to al-Qaeda and the Taliban. "I was never more happy than when our Iraq team whacked a bunch of guys."

In his resignation letter, Hoh stated that many Afghans are fighting the United States solely because they are a growing military presence in villages and valleys where outsiders are not welcome, and where the corrupt, U.S.-backed, national government is rejected. While he believes the Taliban is a malign presence, and Pakistan-based al-Qaeda needs to be confronted, he expressed that the United States is asking its troops to die in Afghanistan for what is essentially a far-off civil war.

One of Hoh’s primary reasons for leaving the Foreign Service was because he no longer knows why the U.S. is fighting in Afghanistan.

Sorry, Captain Hoh, but the Commander in Chief doesn’t know either.

Unfortunately, he also doesn’t know how to either bring the troops home or get out of their way and let them win.

Speaker From The Black Lagoon

by

Ron Marr

www.Troutwrapper.com

http://troutwrapper.blogspot.com/

Is it just me, or is Nancy Pelosi starting to look more and more like Marty Feldman? Every time I hear that grating voice it seems as if she has ventured further into the world of cartoon and satire, as if someone hooked Smurfette up to a thorazine drip. Those leviathan eyes grow in size with each passing hour, bugging out two feet in front of her body, like somebody dropped a toaster in the water while Nancy’s thyroid was taking a bath.

I could handle the appearance of this most odious of politicians with tact and grace, if such were the only thing wrong with her. We all have our physical imperfections, and far be it from me to judge another upon their looks, or lack thereof. Lord knows, coming from the Ozarks I know plenty of people whose family trees don’t fork. I hardly bat an eye at webbed fingers, antennae, a few missing teeth, a few extra chromosomes, or hooks. On more than one occasion I’ve even had people suggest that, in reality, I might be my own grandpa. That’s just part of life.

No sir, I’m not bothered by the fact that Pelosi resembles a bit player from the uncut version of Young Frankenstein. What rattles my cage is her propensity to lie with aplomb and vigor, to attempt to foist the addled values and socialist mores of San Francrisco on an American public that wants nothing of the sort. You would think that the woman’s proboscis would be growing instead of her eyes, what with the way she side-steps, obfuscates, fibs, falsifies, and consistently avoids the truth as if it was a Mormon missionary on a sugar high. Moreover, she tells her whoppers with a condescending arrogance reminiscent of the first-chair head-lopper at the Spanish Inquisition.

Pelosi’s latest fanciful notion, you might be curious to know, lies in her assertion that government-run health care no longer includes any such thing as a public option. In an appearance at a Florida old-folk’s home, Pelosi took the stage to spin out her latest prevarication. Aiming her massive peepers at the audience, her patented cape buffalo hair-do cemented in place by a forty-eight ounce canister of Aquanet, she proceeded to enlighten the crowd.

Nope, there’s not a public option. In Pelosi-speak, the public option shall henceforth be known as either a “consumer option” or “competitive option.”

“You’ll hear everyone say, ‘There’s got to be a better name for this,’” said Pelosi, her forked tongue whipping out with lightning speed to snag a mallard-sized, Florida mosquito in mid-flight. “When people think of the public option, public is being misrepresented, that this is being paid for with their public dollars.”

Huh? Does Pelosi think that the multi-trillion dollar costs of Obamacare will be funded by wampum? Will we pay for it with shells, shards of colored glass, shiny trinkets, and sparkling beads? Give me a break; should any of the myriad versions of Obamacare become law, it will be funded entirely by tax dollars. Truly, the woman seems utterly unaware that the government itself subsists on tax revenues. Does she think that all those millions allocated to save her precious salt-marsh mouse were the result of a wire-transfer from Venus?

I’ve always said that there are two great dangers in the world. One of them is a hillbilly with money. The other is a moron with power. Pelosi has excelled in the second category, primarily because the voters in her district are not exactly what one would call mainstream Americans. I would guess that, for most Pelosi voters, “mainstream” would be defined as only having six nipple-rings and restricting LSD use to family get-togethers and extra-special holidays like Satan’s birthday. Small wonder that they keep electing someone who makes the Creature from the Black Lagoon seem pretty damned sexy.

At any rate, this entire name-change operation is designed to confuse older voters. Florida Democratic Representative Debbie Wasserman Schultz, who appeared with ol’ Bug Eyes at the senior center, didn’t even bother to show any hesitation in revealing the plot.

"I think she's going to go up and test-drive it when she goes back to Washington," Wasserman Schultz said. "It might stick."

So, keep this in mind, folks. It’s not a public option. It’s a consumer option; it’s a competitive option. And, don’t let any of those nasty conservatives try and tell you that you’ll be paying for it. After all, everyone knows that the financial burden of Obamacare will be born by leprechauns, elves, and sprites.

I’m really starting to miss Marty Feldman. Though she may resemble him, as a comedian Nancy Pelosi is downright terrifying.

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To Health In A Handbasket

By

Ron Marr

(Visit my website at www.troutwrapper.com)

I'm all for doctors. To me, there is no more valuable service on this earth than the professional care administered by a qualified practitioner of the medicinal arts. I don't particularly enjoy going to the doctor (they always lecture me about smoking) however I can't think of too many things more comforting than the knowledge that an experienced doc is close at hand should I get a treble hook in my eye, shoot myself in the thigh, or get my foot stuck in mouth.

Being from the Missouri Ozarks, I grew up with a lot of "untraditional" home medical practices. We always figured that there was no need to waste the doc's time if you could fix it yourself - kinda' the same theory as changing your own oil on the family Chevy. It’s not that tough a job and the pros have more important stuff on their minds.

Nothing is worse than a hypochondriac (unless it's a sick hypochondriac) and so, like I said, we often doctored ourselves. Bee stings were treated with a baking soda poultice. If you had a sore throat, you got a long Q-Tip and swabbed your throat with merthiolate. Chigger bites? Dry them up with toothpaste (preferably Crest). If you cut yourself, you doused the gash in hydrogen peroxide and connected the escaping folds of skin with duct tape. If you got strains or sprains or bone aches, you just sprayed some WD-40 on the afflicted area.

Many people dislike my usage of WD-40 on creaking joints. A friend of mine just about had a conniption fit when I sprayed a bunch of the stuff on her blown-out knee, but the pain was relieved within forty-five seconds and now she swears by this all-purpose rusty-nut buster/blown-out ACL remedy.

As an aside, WD-40 is also a pretty good scent to spray on nightcrawlers. The catfish seem to love it, and as an added benefit they don’t squeak when you cut into them

So, I'm all for docs. What I'm against is socialized style medicine ala El Presidente Obama. Both he, and the flaming liberals who sip at his tankard of Koolaid, seem to feel we should follow the lead of rotting countries like England and Canada and dispose of the advances in medicine that occur when physicians and surgeons and such are allowed to practice their arts in a free market economy.Those Socialist types would prefer that everyone have access to free health care, even if the folks who run the el-cheapo clinics can't speak but about ten words of English and nine of those are "You want buy pretty brass elliefant? Only twenty dollar." Have we forgotten that it was the government who gave us Amtrak, the U.S. Post Office, The IRS, Cash for Clunkers, and thousands of other enterprises and programs that work about as well as teats on a bull?

There is much discussion over a “public option,” but lets just face facts here. The entirety of Obamacare is nothing but a giant public option. The quality of care will plummet, and rationing is a given. You best hope you only have Stage One cancer at the time of diagnosis, because by the time you get a second appointment you will either be pushing Stage Four or pushing up daisies. You will wait, and wait, and wait, and it’s very possible that you will end up paying more for the privilege.

There are really only two goals behind federally mandated health care programs. The first is control. The current crop of clowns feel that they should control your every move, monitor your every whim. They believe they should not only tell you how to handle your health concerns, but also be allowed to pry into the most intimate details of your life. What’s more, if you refuse to participate, you will either be fined or tossed in the pokey.

The second goal is the outright destruction of the companies that offer health insurance. There is no way a private insurance company can compete against government insurance. If they even try, they will be fined and regulated up the wazoo. Seriously, how can a private insurance company make a profit if they have to cover those with pre-existing conditions for a minimal sum? This is a little like saying car insurance companies have to provide you with low-cost insurance after you’ve smashed your Camaro into a bridge.

Thanks to the liberals in Congress, there is a very good chance that government-run health care will be a reality. Over fifty percent of Americans don’t want it, but that matters not a whit to the folks in Washington. They view themselves as an aristocracy, and besides, they won’t have to use the crappy programs that you’ll be forced to endure. Your health care, if the government programs become a reality, will be provided by organizations devoted to providing the least amount of care at the cheapest cost and making big bucks by getting chintzy on service; I'd just as soon give my cash to a joint boasting a sign reading "Bar, Grill and Mortuary."

Sadly, for America, it looks like some version of Obamacare will be a reality. The wishes of the citizens don’t matter, for we have a man in the White House who was suckled on the milk of radical socialism.

My suggestion, is that you stock up on baking soda, merthiolate, Crest, and WD-40.

You’re gonna’ need them.